Argh!

Tonight I find Im easily irritated. Which is kinda interesting to me since we had such a wonderful evening with Becky and Jason. I think the lack of sleep is starting to catch up to me. Plus I had someone call me just to annoy me. Yes they actually told me that! Plus I havent really been able to talk to my mom today. Plus my car is acting up. I think though that what bugs me the most is Im hurt. I feel like some of my relationships arent what they use to be. That the people I became friends with are changing and I cant really do anything about it. I dont think the changes are good. And I could confront them on the changes but then they would take it completely wrong.

I know I dont have the best relationship with God. But I also know when something isnt right. Doesnt feel right. When someone is going overboard. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like somethings not right. Specially when someone says its of God and for some reason it grates on me. I thought long and hard on thinking that maybe I was jealous their relationship with God was so good. But I realized that wasnt it. I really felt like what they were saying wasnt of God but was a bit weird. That their explanations for what was happening really wasnt that and that it was really all in their head. But I cant tell them that! I cant cause problems and tell them that basically they are full of crap. So I sit by and listening to them all the while praying silently that God would capture them and help them realize it isnt of God.

Sometimes I wonder why I cant allow myself to get close to God. Probably the same reason why I cant confront people. All because of one really bad experience! Several years back, I confronted a leader friend of mine, just me and the person, about sleeping with their significant other. They weren't having intercourse, not yet. Just sleeping in the same bed. I probably wouldnt have said anything but they were leaders and I felt they were saying one thing but doing another. And I felt that was wrong. This person took it completely wrong. Told me to mind my own business and leave them alone. So I went to the Pastor and told them (we had two at the time). One told me to quit gossiping and stay out of it. The other one told me thank you and said he would deal with it. I thought that was the end of it. But it wasnt. The people turned every friend I had against me. I was basically shunned in my own church and group of friends. Later I found out that they had lied to everyone about what happened between us. And also found out that they were getting married. 3 months after they were married they had a baby. I tried to reconcile after that. I tried to fix things. Apologize. My pastor told me I did the right thing in telling him. My mom said the same thing. My best friend said the same thing. And when I told the story to my husband, he said I did the right thing. So if it was right, how come I was the one shunned? How come I was the one who lost all my friends? How come I was hurt? Ever since then I have been scared to confront people. Regardless of who it is. Cept my husband. Everyone else, Im scared of what will happen. Whether Im right or wrong. I love the people around me. And to lose them, to lose more friends, would hurt. I think thats why Im not close to God. Im too scared to open up to God. What if he wants me to confront my loved ones? What if he wants me to do something Im not ready to do? What if I actually have to open my self up to people? Probably why I have a hard time in some of my relationships. Even when I feel like I've been hurt, I still dont say anything and just hope it goes away. Or put up with it.

Sometimes I think Im my own worst enemy. Sometimes I just need to let God have control and know he has his best in mind for me. That's hard for me. But looking back its been true. And I know that. I just need to step down, out of the way, and let God back in.

Im sorry if this is kinda all over the place. Im tired and hurt, and have a lot on my mind. Thanks for reading my rant! Goodnight!