Tonight my heart is heavy. Im feeling a bit depressed and down. Why? Well for a lot of reasons. I am a bit overwhelmed with our back yard. And as hard as we try to keep our weekends open to work on it, something gets in the way. Whether it be trips we have to take aor the weather not cooperating. Although, thanks to Chris and Jake, we have made a huge leap! Our sprinkler system is hooked up, the sand trap, for the most part is done. We still have lots to do but I think it will be much easier to do now!
Chloe is 9 months old and it seems like nursing is a struggle. My supply is low, partly because of me, partly cause of Chloe. Cant force a child to nurse if she doesn't want to. And I'm ok with giving her formula but I feel like almost everyone around me is so against it and try to make me feel bad for giving her formula. But if that's how shes going to get her nutrition, then that's what we need to do! Better then letting her starve so I can still nurse her! Sure she's eating solids but she's not old enough to be done nursing/formula. She still needs something and if that's formula, so be it. The main thing that's hard about this decision is Im trying to decide if that's what we need to do. You would think it would be easy. No supply, formula. But she does still nurse. There are times she wont and she gets a formula bottle but its been a frustrating time for us both.
Finances are another big thing getting me stressed. Every time we are finally caught up so to speak, something happens and we get behind again. It's quite frustrating to try and figure your budget out and try to buy smart. Groceries and menus and bills and everything that all entails. It's frustrating! And Im tired of it being an issue!
My weight. No Im not fat, but I could lose some weight. 20-25 pounds to be exact. And its hard. Im walking now and hoping that will help but the thing that bothers me the most is my stomach. I hate the way it looks. I hate the way it makes me feel. Why is it that we cant see ourselves the way God sees us, or the way my husband sees me? Why must we constantly look at ourselves with a critical eye and judge ourselves and never be happy? Granted, I would be happier with my weight off but I know I can be happy now. I just need to learn how. Finding better clothes would probably help in that area, but you have to have money for that!
Then I have a personal problem, one I cant share with anyone. One I cant talk about. One I deal with privately. And one I so wish someone could help me with. I just want to meet one person who completely understands what Im going through and how to help me. Just one person. I feel alone in this. And while my husband and my mom do the best they can, I still feel alone in this. I still wish someone who knew and understood, could help me. And I wish I could feel comfortable to talk to some of the people around me who, even though they dont fully understand, might still be able to help.
I know God is there for me. I know he has a plan. I know we are going through the things we are going through for a reason. I just wish I knew what that reason was! Such is life. Just means I will just keep praying and trying to trust in God.
2 comments:
Merrie Beth...I have to tell you something: We've started using formula for Kayla. My supply is too low because she's slowly weaning herself, but she still needs those kinds of nutrients. When I bought the formula I felt like such a failure. And for the first week we used it I felt like I was abusing my child. Seriously. But as the days went on, I realized that I was only doing what was best for my child, and really - who nurses for a year anymore? Most women barely make it 3 months. I've already surpassed them by FAR and have had other mothers express shock and surprise that I've continued to nurse even while working full time, with a 9-month-old who can feed herself and down solids like a pro.
Damie only exclusively breastfed for a month; Ryann has been on formula ever since, and has been on formula exclusively for at least a month or two now.
You are not alone in needing to use formula. It's not a failure on your part, it's not a "bad" decision, and you shouldn't feel bad about it at all.
You're taking care of Chloe the best you can, and right now, that means supplementing a little. And in all honesty, that extra freedom and peace of mind is worth it to me.
You're a fabulous mom, MB, and I admire the fact that you've been able to keep Chloe nursing exclusively this long! And just because you're giving her a bottle or two of formula every once in a while doesn't mean she's not nursing. You'll still make it to your goal of a year, and Chloe will still be getting her special "formula" from Mom.
You're doing fine. Don't beat yourself up, and don't think for a minute you're alone.
And that's what I have to say about it. :)
MB, Millie has been on formula since the beginning. I know totally how you feel about everyone making you feel like you should have tried harder, or are giving up or... just failing. I felt like that for a long time. Millie never BF (without a nipple shield) once. :( And she would only just barely do it with the shield.
I felt so bad about the formula thing for a long time but you know what? I have a happy and healthy baby and when I see her laughing and enjoying meal time with her papa.. I don't feel bad anymore. :) You shouldn't feel bad either. Rejoice that formula is available! How lucky we are to be able to keep our babies fed and healthy!
We are all doing the best we can, and our best is pretty good! Just ask the babies! :D
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