depression

Depression is an ugly thing. It likes to rear its ugly head when things seem to be hard and it likes to make you believe there is no way out or that you will always be like this and that you are suppose to be unhappy. And it usually shows up right when you are the most upset or down. I hate it! I have dealt with it most of my life. And most people think that I am just a lazy person who wont work and has way too many issues and that really isnt the case. I have depression. So when I talk about something that I want alot or that is happening to me alot, its cause its on my mind and possibly something I am depressed about.

I really want to get pregnant. Before I was pregnant the first time, I wanted it but it never consumed me and I wasnt upset if it didnt happen. Then it happened! It was the best day of my life. I have wanted to have kids for so long! My sister has 4 and each time one was born I thought about how someday that would be me! My sister's oldest will be 7 in Nov. 7 years or longer I have wanted to be a mother! When I saw the pregnant on my test I cried! I couldnt believe it was finally happening to me! My mom cried, and even my grandmother, who rarely cries, cried! I was thinking about whether it would be Josiah or Chloe and how we needed to surround this baby in prayer and how to decorate and what crib I wanted! All things a new mom thinks about. Then the unspeakable happened. I lost my child. I was only 10 weeks pregnant. I wasnt able to hear the heartbeat, feel it inside me, never really had the pregnancy symptoms or the throwing up. I did see it on the ultrasound just minutes before I held it in my hand. And like I have said, I am doing ok for the most part. Better then most anyways. But now that I had it and then lost it, it consumes me. I want it so badly and I think that I am the reason why its not happening. I cant relax and leave it to God. I want it now. I want what I lost! It frustrates me that its not happening now. I know it will and I know God has a reason for everything, but that doesnt help me at the moment. I know what I should do and should not do, but I want it so bad its hard for me. I love seeing a friend prego and happy and healthy but I hate that she is prego. She's due 3 days before I would have been. She threw up, she heard the heartbeat, she will feel her baby. And as happy as I am for her, Im just as depressed for me. Sometimes I wonder why it happened to me. What am I suppose to learn from this. What good could come from losing my baby. How am I suppose to learn from such a horrible loss?? Why me?

Sometimes I feel alone. Like I cant talk to anyone. Every one is probably tired of hearing the same thing over and over from me. I feel like Im a broken record and that no one really has any advice for me cause 1-they have never experienced it, 2-they have but not in the same way I did, 3-regardless if they have or havent, they never say the right thing.

Why me?