We all grieve differenetly

Losing someone in your life is hard. No matter who they were or how much impact they had on your life, you still grieve for that person in some way. You might grieve more for others and you might grieve differently for others. But you do grieve. I'm discovering this with miscarriages. Everyone handles the death of their baby differently. Depends on when baby was miscarried, towards the beginning? The middle? The end?

Some go into a deep depression and have a hard time coming out of it and living their life. They can't have sex with their husband and they dont want to be touched in any way. If they have kids already, they can be hurt because mom wont come out of her funk. Some do something special. Like naming the child, or making something/doing something in memory of the child. Some people grieve and then move on with life. If they already have kids, they put their energy into them to either forget the pain or work through the pain. Some people try and get pregnant right away and others wait. The point is, we all grieve differently which I am discovering recently.

I haven't met anyone who grieved the way I did. But I someones feel like I grieved the "wrong" way because I wasn't a complete mess. When we got pregnant in July 2008, I was ecstatic! This would be our first child and man oh man had I been waiting to get pregnant! We couldn't have kids right away because Jake was in school and then went to Master's school and it just wouldn't have been a good idea till he had a stable job. And it wasn't planned either. It was more of a, well we could get pregnant but I have no clue. And we took the chance. And low and behold I was pregnant! I knew cause I was NEVER late. Never. And I had to keep it mostly to myself, did tell my mom and husband but couldn't tell anyone because what if this was the one time I was late. It was hard too cause we had a family reunion! But we waited till everyone had gone home and then I took the test. My hubby was so impatient! It said to wait a minute and to go it at like 30 secs. It said pregnant! I told him to wait but we couldn't deny that I was pregnant! Told my mom and my grandma and I sat in moms lap crying tears of joy with her and my grandmother! We were all so very excited! Of course I waited till my dr confirmed it and then I told the world! I bought clothes as soon as I could and I was planning and thinking and wondering what it would be like to have a child. To see who my child would become. I was so happy! And on top of it, I found out a week later that one of my best friends was pregnant too!

I didn't have many symptoms except that I was super hungry all the time! I had one craving, sour cream and onion chips, other than that a pretty low key pregnancy. I had an appt scheduled for 12 weeks. At about 9 weeks, on a sunday, I started spotting. I told my mom and hubby and proceeded to pray. And was constantly told to take it easy so that I didn't lose the baby. Just relax. No need to do anything. Called my dr of course and she said that it would be a wait and see thing. there was no way to stop it from happening and that it could not happen too. I think I knew then that I was going to lose my baby but I believe I was in denial. That friday I started cramping and hurting pretty badly so we went to the er and the checked my ultrasound and that baby was there. Too small to see the heartbeat but it was there. The told me to rest and dont do anything. Just take it easy. So we went home and did that. Only we ended up in the ER again on Sunday. I was bleeding pretty badly and cramping and crying. I knew this was it and I was praying so hard it wasnt! My nurse was amazing and so was my dr there. I think they did another ultrasound and said that as of right now the baby was there and that it may or may not result in a miscarriage but that it was a wait and see game. Still more crying going on. They left and I began to clean myself up. Huge clots were coming out and we called the nurse back to make sure there was no baby and she said so far no baby. I went to the bathroom to clean myself up and in that process, held my baby in my hands. Took it to the nurse and they confirmed that I had just miscarried my baby. Cleaned myself up some more, got encouraging words from the nurse and dr and was sent on my way home. Called my mom, told her. She drove an hour to be with me and to cry with me. Jake and mom made phone calls for me to my sister, best friend, and some prayer chains and just let me cry. I was grateful for them being there to make those calls. My sister and best friend Miki came over the next day to check in on me. I wasn't crying anymore but I was hurting. But I was able to hold it together. Have a conversation. I was starting my road of grieving and mending.

Now, I had one really good cry. I cried on the way to the hospital before miscarrying, in the waiting room, in the exam room, while bleeding, while cleaning up, then after confirmation, all the way home, and then on my couch most of the night. But that was it. I would have bad days where I would cry but not a big cry. For the most part, I was done crying. I would feel down at times and would miss my baby and wish I was pregnant. It was hard to see my best friend be pregnant without me! But I had hope of it happening again one day. And 3 months later it did. Again! I was nervous and scared but knew this one would stick.

Why was I able to move forward? Why was my grieving so short? Was it cause I had a lot of love and support? Was it cause I knew? Was God preparing me for something horrible? I'm not sure why but I know that I have yet to meet someone who grieved the way I did. Was it wrong? No. Should I have grieved longer, cried more, been more depressed? No. For whatever reason, that first real good cry was enough for me. That's how I grieved. I think of that child often. I have 3 children all together, one dead in heaven and two here on earth alive and well. I miss my child. But I was able to move forward and because of that I now have two amazing little people who are my world. My grieving was short yes, but my God got me through it and helped me move forward. I wouldn't have it any other way! I just find it fascinating that we have people who went through the same thing and we all grieve differently.

BTW I named our baby CJ. We knew that if we were going to have a girl it would be Chloe and if it were a boy I knew the middle name would be James so I decided on CJ. Jake didn't really care about naming our angel baby but was fine with me doing so. We think of you often baby CJ and can't wait to meet you in heaven! RIP Baby CJ 8-17-08