"What if"

Today I am 39 weeks pregnant and in talking with my hubby, I realized I'm kind of scared to be alone with a 2nd baby in the house. I dont remember having this fear with Chloe at all. And I dont think the fear is having two babies in the house but that I will choose one over the other and neglect a child. I love love love my snuggle times in the morning with Chloe. She wakes up, we grab her stuffed dog, her blankets, and her sippy and we head to the rocking chair where she sits on my lap, holding her dog, drinking her sippy, all covered up in my lap snuggling with me. What if I dont get that cause I am nursing Josiah and getting Chloe out of bed literally means get her out of bed and set her down?? How do I find a balance in loving Josiah and loving Chloe. Both my children, both important, and both -more then likely- unquiely different?? How do I spend quality loving snuggling time with Chloe while still tending to the needs of Josiah and creating a new bond with him?? How do I incorporate activities for both of them to allow that bond between them to grow?? How to I continue to connect with my 20 month child when my emotions will be on full alert, my energy spent, and my attention split in two??

I know I will be fine. I have wonderful friends and family there to help me. I have an amazing God who will help me though it all. I know I will be fine, but I cant help but wonder what if? And really its the "what ifs" that get us into trouble and make us worry over something that we shouldnt be worrying over. God has entrusted into my care Chloe Elizabeth Nickoloff and Josiah James Nickoloff because he's knows that I am the mother they need. That I will meet their needs and be there for them. He choose me for this moment. For this time. For these children. There will be days I want to pull my hair out and scream. There will be days that Im tired and frustrated and just cry cause I am spent and dont know what to do. There will be days that I think God is completely crazy for thinking I can handle having two children! But I know this will happen and hopefully I will be prepared for those days. With friends and family there to help and support and love me, and a God who will never leave me. I can do this. I will figure out how to love and divide my time between two children. I will survive this and become stronger for it. And I hope that I dont let my children, husband, and father God down in anyway. Im not perfect, not even close. But I strive to be the best mom I can be, that God wants me to be and through trial and error, I will find out who that is! But "what if"